Transitions, Change & Uncertainty
In September of ND BrainSpace, the ideas of Transitions, Change & Uncertainty was explored - looking at the challenges that can occur and the different coping strategies that can be used to help feel more comfortable.
What challenges arise?
Change is an inevitable part of life, whether for the better, worse or just different. It can make anyone uncomfortable and lead to feeling untethered and uncertain. In our session, we discussed how these changes do not have to be life-altering, they can also occur everyday. For example, when I was at University, I had a lecturer that would often change the date and time of our lectures the night before and it would throw off my plan for the day. This would make me start the day stressed, which would often continue until lunchtime.
Some of the other changes that came up were:
New routines
New locations
Attending a big event, such as a wedding
A colleague leaving work
Friends and family have babies
Plans being cancelled
Household appliances breaking
Getting a pet
Someone dying, the process of grief
As a group it was discussed how these changes in life, whether planned or not, can heighten emotions, disrupt their cognitive functioning - so they feel unable to think rationally about the situation and may ‘shut down’ or express a great deal of emotion. Additionally, we talked about how change can lead towards feeling burnt out, where your energy can be drained and everyday tasks require more effort than they usually do. This may be because your energy is spent trying to process and respond to the change, so you have less energy to complete other tasks.
Change can create an environment in which a person feels severely and sincerely over-stimulated. However, some neurodivergent individuals may feel as if they are required to ‘mask’ and hide how they are really feeling by the change. This may be done to put others at ease or simply as a reflex. Masking may cause further problems, potentially making someone believe that their feelings are invalid or extreme - which is not the case.
For me, returning from University to live at home was a big change, having to relearn how to live with my family. Whilst I love them and we get on really well, I enjoyed and was used to having more of my own space and quiet. Coming home, I felt like I should spend less time relaxing in my room and more time in the living room, even when I wanted to decompress, which led to me feeling stressed and snippy. Once I’d talked to my family about needing to spend more time alone; they completely understood and I felt more able to build my socialising at home, rather than just jumping in at the deep end.
What can we control?
Many people talked about how, when change occurs, they become hyper-focused on finding things in their lives, relating to the situation, that they feel able to control. For some, data collection can be vital to help reduce stress, by asking various questions it reduces the amount of uncertainty that the individuals are faced with thus making the change and transition less intimidating.
Other ways to healthily control the situation include:
Planning out back-up plans in case something goes wrong
Talking to friends, colleagues and family when a change has caused upset and you might need help.
Develop boundaries with others, but also yourself, so that you are able to protect your peace of mind.
If you have a schedule, communicate it with the person you are with to make sure they are okay with it.
Create a list of questions that you can ask anyone in new social situations in case you meet someone new unexpectedly
It is also important that we focus on the things we can control and understand that we cannot control other people’s thoughts and behaviours, even though that may make our lives easier. Some people suggested that a good tip is to regularly assess the guidelines you have in place for yourself so that you don’t cut yourself off or incidentally hurt someone else.
What can help?
Whilst change can impact people’s emotions and result in an intense amount of stress, learning how to cope is important given how everyone is certain to face some form of change in their lives. As such, we discussed the coping strategies that members of group employed to enable them to navigate through life in way that they may even be able to enjoy the change.
These are some of the suggestions:
If going on holiday, bring your own pillows and blankets.
Creating your own schedule and articulating it to others so that they know your timeline and that you are sticking to it
Talking to your boss or colleagues when something changes at work and you may need further assistance.
Only say yes to plans when you have advanced notice and feel able
Take time to yourself when upset so that you don’t feel overwhelmed or overstimulated
Breathing exercises
What helps someone else may not help you; it may take time and a little bit of trial and error to find what works best for you. Importantly, it is wise to be kind to yourself, being compassionate can make the whole process a bit easier and sometimes let you enjoy the change.
Fake it till you make it
One interesting suggestion was to ‘fake it till you make it’ - this involves telling others, and yourself, that “I am excited for this change… it will be really interesting to see what happens”. This has links to a psychological phenomenon called the Pygmalion Effect in which high expectations correlate with high performance. So by expecting the situation to end well, it can help to change your perspective leading to a more positive experience.
Where it can be okay to ‘fake it till you make it’, for some this could feel like masking, which whilst not in itself a negative thing, can have links believing how you feel is wrong or like you should be a more exaggerated version of yourself. You are allowed and valid in how you feel, ignoring your negative emotions entirely may result in them only growing and feeling less satisfied and more anxious. It is important not to push yourself into situations where you are entirely uncomfortable.
During the discussion of what can help, we talked about how the process of recognising exactly what the change is, can help some people to identify solutions or coping strategies that relate to the situation. For example, some members of the group discussed how they became anxious when going to hotels as they didn’t like the feel of the sheets or bed covers and so, once they’d recognised that that was what made them stressed, they decided to bring their own bed linens, so that they knew they’d be comfortable. Additionally, by identifying the problem it may help you to communicate your needs to friends, family or colleagues during a change. That way a solution or other help can be suggested and supported by other people as you are not alone.
Get involved
If you enjoyed or are interested in topics like this, please feel free to join us on ND BrainSpace — whether you’re newly exploring neurodivergence, late identified, self-identifying, diagnosed, questioning, or simply tired of feeling like you have to perform your way through life.
ND BrainSpace is a peer-support space for neurodivergent adults to explore shared experiences like masking, burnout, overwhelm, identity, relationships, boundaries, and nervous system regulation in a warm, non-judgemental environment.
If this topic interests you and you would like more space and time to explore it, you are more than welcome to explore it at ND RelateSpace.
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There’s no pressure to speak or share. Some people come to talk, others come to listen, reflect, and realise they’re not the only one.
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