Identity & Masking: “Who Am I Anyway?”
Watch the online recording here
Download the PDF presentation here
This month at ND BrainSpace, we explored identity and masking — not just what masking looks like, but the emotional cost of constantly adapting yourself to fit into environments that don’t always feel safe, understanding, or accessible.
Again and again, people described the same feeling:
“I don’t know who I am and If it’s ok to be me.”
What is masking?
Masking is the process of consciously or unconsciously changing, suppressing, or managing parts of yourself in order to feel safer, more accepted, or less exposed around other people.
For neurodivergent people, this can include:
rehearsing conversations
forcing eye contact
monitoring tone of voice or facial expressions
hiding overwhelm or sensory discomfort
copying other people’s behaviour
suppressing stimming or natural reactions
becoming hyper-aware of how you are being perceived
One important part of the discussion was recognising that masking is about protection not deception.
Masking often develops as a survival strategy from childhood—a way to reduce possible judgment, rejection, criticism, bullying, misunderstanding, or conflict.
Many people spoke about learning early on that parts of them felt “too much,” “too emotional,” “too loud,” or “too different,” and gradually adapting themselves to become more acceptable to others.
The exhausting reality of self-monitoring
One of the strongest themes from the session was how exhausting constant self-monitoring can become.
People described:
replaying conversations repeatedly afterwards
worrying they had said the wrong thing
analysing people’s facial expressions for signs of annoyance or rejection
struggling to process thoughts quickly in conversation
feeling hyper-vigilant in social situations
filtering and editing everything they say
For some, masking had become so automatic they had not realised they were doing it until recently.
Others described the feeling of appearing socially capable while internally feeling anxious, overwhelmed, disconnected, or completely drained.
As one participant reflected, masking can create a sense of being included but not truly known.
People may respond positively to the version of you they see — but that can leave an uncomfortable question underneath:
“Would they still accept me if they saw the real me?”
Identity, authenticity, and unmasking
We also explored how years of masking can affect identity.
When you spend a long time adapting yourself around other people’s expectations, it can become difficult to know:
what you genuinely enjoy
what feels natural to you
what your needs actually are
where the mask ends and you begin
Identity was described not as a fixed label, but as a sense of self — your values, interests, personality, experiences, humour, relationships, and the things that feel meaningful or authentic to you.
For many neurodivergent people, reconnecting with identity involves slowly rediscovering those things again.
Not becoming a different person. More often, remembering parts of yourself that were hidden, suppressed, or deprioritised.
That process can feel freeing, emotional, awkward, exciting, or frightening — sometimes all at once.
The complicated reality of unmasking
One of the most thoughtful parts of the conversation was the recognition that unmasking is not always simple or straightforward.
Not everyone can safely unmask everywhere.
And not every mask is entirely harmful.
Sometimes masking genuinely helps people navigate workplaces, relationships, public spaces, healthcare systems, or family dynamics that may not feel psychologically safe.
Several participants reflected on how becoming more authentic later in life — setting boundaries, communicating needs more openly, or masking less heavily — can sometimes change relationships.
Not everybody adapts well to the change.
There was also discussion about the tension between social expectations and neurodivergent reality. For example, the pressure to maintain large friendship groups despite many people preferring one-to-one connection, quieter interaction, or more flexible communication styles.
What actually helps?
Alongside the challenges, the group also shared many things that help people feel safer, more regulated, and more connected to themselves.
Some of the ideas included:
spending time with people who allow you to relax rather than perform
reconnecting with old interests, hobbies, creativity, music, or animals
allowing stims and self-regulating movement instead of suppressing them
wearing comfortable clothes instead of prioritising appearance or formality
creating routines that help the nervous system decompress after social interaction
journaling or “thought dumping” without filtering
finding supportive people who advocate for and understand you
using movement, music, sensory tools, or creativity to regulate overwhelm
learning that saying no, leaving situations, or asking for space is allowed
A really important point that came up was this:
The goal is not necessarily to stop masking completely.
For many people, the more compassionate question is:
“Where do I feel safe enough to need the mask less?”
That shift matters. Because unmasking is not about performing authenticity perfectly either.
It’s about creating enough safety, acceptance, and nervous system regulation that you can exhale a little more often.
You are probably not as “fake” as you think
One reassuring reflection shared in the session was that the mask is not always a completely separate personality.
Sometimes it is more like an exaggerated version of certain traits:
becoming extra agreeable
extra funny
extra quiet
extra capable
extra accommodating
That can feel important to remember, especially for people diagnosed later in life who suddenly begin questioning everything about themselves. You do not need to panic and rebuild your entire identity overnight.
Often this process is slower and gentler than people expect.
Small moments of authenticity matter:
choosing comfort
allowing rest
noticing what genuinely feels good
saying “I need time to think”
spending time with safe people
letting your nervous system settle
Sometimes identity does not arrive in one dramatic revelation.
Sometimes it quietly reappears once you stop working so hard to disappear.
Get involved
If this resonates with you, you’re very welcome to join us at ND BrainSpace — whether you’re newly exploring neurodivergence, late identified, self-identifying, diagnosed, questioning, or simply tired of feeling like you have to perform your way through life.
ND BrainSpace is a peer-support space for neurodivergent adults to explore shared experiences like masking, burnout, overwhelm, identity, relationships, boundaries, and nervous system regulation in a warm, non-judgemental environment.
There’s no pressure to speak or share. Some people come to talk, others come to listen, reflect, and realise they’re not the only one.
You can find out more about upcoming groups here:
ND BrainSpace information page