Boundaries and Neurodivergence: Why Is It So Confusing?
Working with neurodivergent clients — folks with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, or however they identify — one thing keeps coming up again and again:
A consistent, tangled-up struggle with boundaries.
Not in a “I just don’t like saying no” kind of way, but in a deeper, wired-in, lived-through sort of way. I’ve been sitting with this and thinking — why?
Here’s what I’m noticing...
Denied Needs & Early Gaslighting
Let’s take a really simple example. Imagine you're a small child, and you hate hand dryers. Not just a bit — they absolutely terrify you.
Every time you go to the loo with your family, that fear kicks in. But the response is always the same:
“Don’t be silly.”
“It’s just a hand dryer.”
“Get over it.”
So you try. You "get over it". You desensitise. But… at what cost?
That fear was real. That need — for quiet, for safety — was real. But it was denied.
So now you’re not just scared of the hand dryer.
Now you’re questioning your own reality.
Self-Gaslighting: The Long-Term Cost
Fast forward a few years. You’re at work in an open-plan office. It’s Friday. Someone cranks up the radio and everyone’s singing along. But the noise makes you want to crawl out of your own skin.
Still, you think:
“Well… it’s just noise. Everyone else is fine. Maybe it’s me. I’ll just put up with it.”
That’s the self-gaslighting kicking in.
That’s years of learning: “My needs are too much. My reactions aren’t valid. I don’t get to set the boundary — I just have to cope.”
And let’s be clear — masking and coping aren’t the same as being okay.
Boundaries Get Blurry When You’ve Been Taught You’re “Too Much”
Boundaries rely on a strong sense of self — what you want, what you need, what’s okay, what’s not.
But if you’ve been told your needs are too much (or just plain wrong) from a young age, how do you even begin to know what those needs are?
Some of the boundary struggles I see most often:
Time boundaries: “I need some quiet time alone” feels selfish, even when it’s survival.
Social boundaries: You feel rude for stepping away, saying no, or leaving early.
Noise boundaries: Headphones, breaks, silence… all feel like ‘special treatment’.
Emotional boundaries: You take on other people’s stress like it’s your job.
Mimicking & Merging: When Identity Gets Blurry
Another biggie? Mirroring.
Many neurodivergent people become experts at blending in — mimicking social cues, copying behaviours, adapting tone, expression, even interests.
It’s clever. It's protective.
But it’s exhausting. And over time, it blurs the lines between who you are and who you're expected to be.
Your sense of self — and your boundaries — slowly disappear into other people’s expectations.
So What Can We Do?
Whether you’re neurodivergent yourself or love someone who is — this stuff matters. A lot.
✨ Start small. Start gently. Ask:
What do you need right now?
What would make this situation easier?
Where do you end, and others begin?
✨ Give permission to re-learn your reality.
Your needs are valid.
Your preferences matter.
You don’t need to justify every boundary.
✨ Remember: coping ≠ thriving.
Just because someone isn’t visibly struggling doesn’t mean they’re okay. Sometimes the quietest person in the room is doing the most internal work to just stay regulated.
Final Thought
Boundaries are hard — for all of us. But if you’ve spent a lifetime being told your needs are “too much,” “weird,” or “not reasonable,” it’s not just hard — it’s confusing, painful, and layered with doubt.
So let’s make space.
Space for needs.
Space for honesty.
Space for unmasking.
And most importantly, space for people to say:
🗣️ “That doesn’t work for me… and that’s okay.”
Are you curious about how coaching or therapy might help untangle this stuff? I offer a free 30-minute discovery call — you're very welcome to book in here.